What’s holding you down?

Last night I had a dream. I was in a crowded swimming pool. Everyone was going back and forth as fast as we could, like our life depended on it. I was struggling to stay afloat and was working so hard while not moving very fast. My parents appeared by my side and started trying to help keep me afloat, they even helped by moving the water with me so that I could move faster. I decided to just focus on moving my legs, they felt so heavy and so I wondered if I stopped using my arms and focused more attention to my legs if I could swim faster, it didn’t seem to help but I did it anyway. I was getting more and more tired until the lifeguard abruptly kicked us all out of the pool. As I got out of the pool I realized I was wearing shorts, pants, and socks still. In my rush to get into the pool, I hadn’t finished preparing myself to swim. During the very long forced pool break I took off my layers and my parents and I discussed using my arms to support me, that by using both my arms and legs I’ll move easier and not tire as quickly. After we were allowed back into the pool I gracefully moved across the water with ease, using my new knowledge and being free from my extra clothes.

Continue reading “What’s holding you down?”

Some Days your world falls apart…

Saturday morning I shot up out of my bed, my mouth completely dry, my chest felt tight, and I couldn’t get a deep breath. Immediately I grabbed my phone…7 am an entire 2 hours since I last woke up and I hadn’t missed a call or text, that must be a good sign. I knew I was Travis’ emergency contact, so if he went into surgery I’m sure someone would call, right? For sure if he didn’t make it through the night they would’ve called. I drank some water from my water bottle on the nightstand and focused on breathing. I kept telling myself “He made it through the night.” Not much later I shakily made the call “please pick-up” I kept repeating. Continue reading “Some Days your world falls apart…”

10 Ways for a Spouse to Survive Cancer #9

Be Prepared for Complications

This one is hard to write because I’ve struggled a lot with this. Preparing for the worst always seemed to be eliminating hope for something better. At the same time, being in denial of all the possible complications or even an ultimate sad ending is prohibiting myself from mourning with Travis and softening the blow before we are forced to face it. Continue reading “10 Ways for a Spouse to Survive Cancer #9”

10 Ways for a Spouse to Survive Cancer #6

After the kids get rid of the person at the door I curl up on the couch, realizing it’s already noon on Saturday and nothing is perfect.

Accept less than perfect

There is a knock at the door, and while the kids go through the obstacle course of toys and blankets to reach the front door I quickly hide because I haven’t even run a brush through my hair today. The kids haven’t bathed for a day or two…I think they’ve brushed their hair…wait didn’t they wear that on Wednesday…it’s Saturday, please tell me they have changed their clothes! After the kids get rid of the person at the door I curl up on the couch, realizing it’s already noon on Saturday and nothing is perfect. Continue reading “10 Ways for a Spouse to Survive Cancer #6”

My Husband has Cancer. Now What?

My husband has cancer and I don’t know what that is going to mean, but this is how I’m going to survive right now!

Things have been pretty crazy around my house and so this is a quick break in the middle of my “10 Ways for a Spouse to Survive Cancer” series. The following post I originally wrote for Misses Miscellany here, and with permission, I thought I’d share a sort of “Throwback Thursday” post! 🙂


My husband’s cancer journey started March of 2010, we had 5 month old, 2 year old and 4 year old. Now, 6 years later…our 6 year old, 8 year old and 10 year old barely know life without cancer or life without a sick Daddy. Continue reading “My Husband has Cancer. Now What?”