Last night I had a dream. I was in a crowded swimming pool. Everyone was going back and forth as fast as we could, like our life depended on it. I was struggling to stay afloat and was working so hard while not moving very fast. My parents appeared by my side and started trying to help keep me afloat, they even helped by moving the water with me so that I could move faster. I decided to just focus on moving my legs, they felt so heavy and so I wondered if I stopped using my arms and focused more attention to my legs if I could swim faster, it didn’t seem to help but I did it anyway. I was getting more and more tired until the lifeguard abruptly kicked us all out of the pool. As I got out of the pool I realized I was wearing shorts, pants, and socks still. In my rush to get into the pool, I hadn’t finished preparing myself to swim. During the very long forced pool break I took off my layers and my parents and I discussed using my arms to support me, that by using both my arms and legs I’ll move easier and not tire as quickly. After we were allowed back into the pool I gracefully moved across the water with ease, using my new knowledge and being free from my extra clothes.
When I awoke I thought of my life a few weeks ago. I have been moving forward as fast as I possibly can, but I often feel like I’m drowning. I try to move faster and work harder. I eliminate different things in my life to give myself more time for the things that seem most important. Others jump in to try to help, and they move obstacles for me, but I’m still just so tired and not moving fast enough. And all of a sudden I have been kicked out of the public and forced to sit on the side and think through what is going on.
The abrupt stop caused me a lot of anxiety. I am so used to moving quickly that the halt was, and still can be, overwhelming. However, I am starting to work through my layers and see what things I can eliminate and what things I have stopped doing to focus on keeping my “legs” moving.
I have realized over the last couple of years I have thrown everything into my kids and Travis, to make sure they are happy. I stopped blogging, my walks, reading, etc and instead ran my kids to friends and all their activities, ran to the store daily for things they forgot, made sure Travis was comfortable and after I made sure everyone else was happy I was too tired to do anything I enjoy.
In the last couple of weeks, I have seen how happy my family is at home. My kids love to play with each other. I have learned that I don’t have to go to the store so often, we can survive and make do with what we have. I have found peace through reading my scriptures, going on walks, reading Saints, sitting individually with my children just talking, calling my parents, etc. And so, I am taking this time of sitting out of the “pool” to decide what things are the have-to’s to keep us moving and also what things I need to help keep me afloat, even if it seems less important, maybe it’s what I need.
I am starting to adjust to the abrupt stop in everything that seemed crucial in our lives. Travis is still fighting cancer and is sick from his chemo. So, as I lose him to the chemo I will continue to self-reflect and work on myself and remove the layers that I can control while the pool is closed. I’m trying to not get too overwhelmed with the future and just fight one day at a time.
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